My Children Say They Don't Want to Come Home — What Are My Rights?
When children in foster care express a preference to stay in their placement, it complicates reunification but does not end your parental rights. Here is what the law says about children's views, what drives this preference, and how to respond.
A child's stated preference to stay in foster care is taken seriously by courts but is not the final word. Courts weigh it alongside other factors including the child's age, how the preference was formed, and the research on what is actually in the child's best interests. Your parental rights do not end because your child says they want to stay.
Children in foster care — especially those who have been there for an extended period — sometimes say they do not want to go home. This is one of the most painful things a parent can hear. Understanding why it happens and what the law says helps you respond.
Why children may say they want to stay
Children who have been in foster care for months or years form attachments to their placements. This is natural and does not mean they have stopped loving you. It means they are children navigating a situation they did not choose.
Other factors that can shape a child’s expressed preference:
- Anxiety about change after a period of stability in placement
- Misunderstanding of what “going home” means or what has changed
- Pressure — conscious or unconscious — from adults around them
- Loyalty conflicts between you and the foster family
What the court does with a child’s expressed preference
Courts are required to consider children’s views. The older and more mature the child, the more weight their preference carries. But courts also assess:
- How the preference was gathered and whether it was free from adult influence
- Whether the preference reflects the child’s actual best interests or a short-term comfort
- The research on outcomes for children raised by their families versus long-term foster care
- Your children’s cultural identity and the importance of cultural connection
What you can do
Work on your relationship with your children during visits. Be consistent, calm, and present. Do not pressure your children or speak negatively about the foster family in front of them. Ask your lawyer whether an independent assessment of your children’s views can be ordered — one conducted by a professional not connected to MCFD.
Your steady, loving presence over time is your most powerful response to this.
If you are an Indigenous family navigating child welfare in BC and need peer support, contact KFT-Families Society at [email protected], call Lori at 604-512-3266, or visit keeping-families-together.com. IFISC operates weekly peer support circles, connects families with culturally grounded resources, and provides guidance to parents at every stage of the child welfare process — at no cost.
Frequently asked questions
- How much weight does a child's stated preference carry in BC child welfare proceedings?
- Courts in BC are required to consider a child's views, with the weight given increasing with the child's age and maturity. A younger child's expressed preference carries less legal weight than an older teenager's. However, a child's preference is one factor — not the determinative factor — in the court's decision.
- What if my child has been influenced by the foster family's views about returning home?
- This is a real concern and courts are aware of it. If you believe your child's expressed preference has been shaped by the foster family or by MCFD's own messaging, document your concerns and raise them with your lawyer. A judge can ask how the child's views were gathered and whether they were obtained in a way that was free from adult influence.
- Can MCFD use my child's stated preference as grounds to deny reunification?
- MCFD can present a child's stated preference as evidence, but a child's preference alone cannot override your parental rights or the court's reunification framework. Courts balance the child's expressed views against their best interests — which include cultural continuity, family connection, and the research showing better outcomes for children raised by their families.
KFT-Families Society
You do not have to navigate this alone.
IFISC is operated by KFT-Families Society, an Indigenous-led nonprofit founded by people who have navigated the child welfare system firsthand. We run weekly peer support circles and connect families with culturally grounded resources across BC. Reach out — no paperwork, no waitlist.
[email protected] · keeping-families-together.com